No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize