I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
