The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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