Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize