Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
