I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
