You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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