life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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