did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
