I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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