i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
