I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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