allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
