Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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