A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize