"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
