please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize