please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
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