when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Randomize
