so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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