it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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