I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
