Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
