I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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