It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
