Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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