my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
