the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
