God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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