Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
