How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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