does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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