He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
