I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
