I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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