so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
