1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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