My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
