my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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