Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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