My friends, they love my intelligence
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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