so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
