I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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