Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
