A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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