my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize