Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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