so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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