I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
