You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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