saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
