the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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