He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
