What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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