Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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