my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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