I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
