he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
