My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Randomize
