I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You're like the curious george of whores
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
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