the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
