My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
