I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
