I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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