Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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