I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
